As I sit in my parents living room, listening to our leaking roof drip into the bucket next to me, listening to the bluegrass country band, Cadillac Sky, I find myself imagining that I can see a little metaphorical sunshine off in the distance.
Even though I had all the lovely issues with college yesterday and I felt like my life was crashing down, when the sun came up this morning, I rolled out of bed, fed my pets and got in the shower to get ready for my job interview. I just keep going, fighting my way through. I have been thinking about the way I've lived my life up till now and I need to make some changes, changes I have been working to make for a while. It is time to let go of the last of the things holding me back.
One of the things keeping me back is my ability to be okay with less then I really want. I am a great "settler." I always have been. I settle for not quite the job, not quite the guy, and not quite the life I really want. And I am done with it. I deserve the life, job, guy, the everything I want out of life. I have to start fighting back against a world that seems stacked against me. Life is stacked against everyone, I know, but screw everyone else. It is time for it to be about me.
So, starting today, I am going after the life I know I can have with every bit of fight I have in me. I am done listening to the people telling me to be sure not to get my hopes up, or to make sure it's really a good idea to want what i do, or telling me to be realistic. I am not stupid. I now that I will be disappointed sometimes but not putting my whole heart into it will only do two things: stop me from getting what I want, and when I don't get it, I won't feel any less awful.
To those of you that love me and to those of you that may be telling me these things out of the goodness of your hearts.... Shut up! Cheer me on and be there to help me get back on when I get thrown off. Other than that, let me live my own damn life. I love you all, but it's time to let me go off into the big blue world.
I think I may be done with this little rant. I am going to go out and get done what I need to do today, and I am not letting fear and second guessing get in my way. I am going to get my own little bit of sunshine in this deary, cloudy world.
